JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS EASY BEING ME...
I don't write about writing nearly enough, but since it's topical -- and since I'm in a good mood, and don't feel like being a bitch, which is rare -- I thought I'd share for a moment.

And here is my true confession: up until a few weeks ago, I was paralyzed by writer's block.

Now, this is never a good thing. But it's a very, very bad thing when your editor is expecting a 100,000-word manuscript no later than January 15, 2006, but you only have 14,000 words on paper... and the story is just not coming together for you.

The fact is, I would look at the monitor and have no idea what I wanted to write. Yes, I knew the story... it had been outlined to death. But knowing the story and typing the words are two very different things. Those words were not coming, and, with a deadline just three short months off, I was starting to panic. Yes, I even lost sleep on more than a few nights.

Obviously, I would not be telling you this if I hadn't had a break-through. I don't mind sharing the occasional insecurity with my readers, but I am not going to publicly admit to failure.

That break-through came two weeks ago, and quite suddenly. In hindsight, it was really quite obvious... all that I had to do was think just a little bit outside the box I had created for myself.

Because my first two novels were written in the first-person, I found myself trying to make the third book's narrative conform to the same structure, but it wouldn't fit. I mean, how many times can you have your main character Google someone for the purposes of exposition?

So I decided to switch the voice to third-person, and now things are sailing. I've knocked off another 24,000 words over the past two weekends and have a renewed confidence in my ability to deliver a polished manuscript on its due date.

September, 2006: When the Stars Come Out will be on bookshelves everywhere. No need to write everything down right now... I'll be reminded you when the pub date is approaching.

Suggestions for a location for the book party will be accepted at any time...

MEANWHILE, AS ABC PREPARES TO TAKE A GLORIOUS SWAN-DIVE ONTO THE ROCKS...
Now, in all fairness, this might not turn out to be quite as dreadful as I think it will be, but...

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Of course it will! I don't have to see a script or clip to make my prediction: 13 episodes, squeezed into 3 different time slots to "help it find its audience." It will be a divine failure and we'll have a great opportunity to mock it for years! I might even watch it, just so I can add a bit of verisimilitude to the mockery.

The other piece of good news is that this announcement gives me the opportunity to once again give the world... CRANKY ELTON!!

SORT OF LIKE BARBARA BOXER, BUT IN REVERSE

Author tries hand at politics

TROY, N.Y. (AP) _ Caleb Carr, author of the historical novel "The Alienist," is running for a county legislative seat in the Hudson Valley... Carr said he wants to bring his knowledge of homeland security to county government.

Now, I could spend all day making fun of this news story, but I won't. I merely want to throw out a few comments.

1. Caleb Carr is a homeland security expert? Oh, yeah, I guess so. Well, does Tom Clancy know about that?

2. Homeland security in the Greater Cherry Plain-Hoosick Falls area of Rensselaer County, New York? Has anyone looked at a map?

3. "I know Mr. Carr, I know he's a famous author," he said. Ahem. Two things: (1) Let's not cheapen the title of 'Famous Author,' okay? And (2) that's capital-F, capital-A.

I tell you... some people do not get it.

GET YER IRONY HERE
If O. Henry was alive today, he might be writing something like this...

THIS WEEK'S REASON TO TURN HETEROSEXUAL
And all the gay geeks leapt and danced and sang...

Related: Last week's reason.

"IT'S AN HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED..."
Thank you, R4, R9, and R25. I don't know who you are, except the one who is almost certainly you, but I am touched.

By the way, I do look kind of hot today. Just sayin'...

NEWSFLASH: ALL THE GOOD DRAG NAMES HAVE BEEN CLAIMED
A guy thinks he's clever, but once he gets Googling he discovers that others thought of Vera Similitude and Bette Noir long before he did.

The world remains safe from the sight of him in drag. The story has a happy ending.

MS. OBVIOUSA McOBVIOUS, GIRL REPORTER
I had a bad, bad morning this morning. Or maybe I should say, I had a bad, bad night last night. Due to the post-binge alcohol sugar buzz weight of work and writing on my shoulders, I woke at 1:30 AM... and could not get back to sleep. I finally surrendered to the reality of Tuesday at 3:00 AM.

Which sucks, by the way. While most of you were still getting ready for bed, I was wide awake. This middle-age thing -- which, thanks to Jeff and Gothamist, I guess I have to admit I've hit -- isn't pretty. Don't get old, children... don't get old.

But that's not the point of this entry, so forget about it. Just remember that I have another birthday (sigh) in six weeks, and presents make old people happy.

The point of this entry is this:

When you're wide awake at 3:00 AM, what are you going to do, except drink coffee and play endless games of Spider Solitaire watch random headline news channels? Of course, at that hour, the news cycles over and over and over and over and over again, so within two hours, you've seen each story roughly 16 times... which is how I can be certain I heard what I heard.

A reporter from a local affiliate feeding stories to whichever cable channel I was watching stood in rain-drenched Florida and described the post-Wilma flooding situation. Then she directed the camera to floodwaters coursing through the streets and said:

"As you can see, it's like a river out here. If you've ever heard that expression 'flowing like a river,' this is what it means."

And for the next 15 times I heard that report, I kept thinking, 'Was that comment for the benefit of the two Moroccans who may have been watching who have never seen moving water?'

I mean, is it just me? Or do people sort of instinctively get the mental imagery behind the phrase 'flowing like a river'? I know the poor thing had to fill air time, but wouldn't the finite number of words she'll utter during her time on Earth be better utilized?

Then again, she didn't pull an Anderson Cooper 'rats-gnawing-on-corpses' moment to ruin my breakfast, so maybe I'm being too hard on her.

OH, HELL NO!
I can't decide which is the worst search engine referrer within the past few hours: this, or this. Or maybe this.

No, it has to be this.

But it's not this. And absolutely beyond question 100% definitely not this.

In related news, no one has stumbled onto this blog in quite some time looking for information on salad-tossing. Ah, the good old days...

IT'S THAT KIND OF MONDAY...

From my site stats.

Can't say I didn't ask for it. But still... the Number One site? Give me a break, Google.

INVERT THE TITLE OF THAT LAST BLOG ENTRY...
...because what the world needs now is this!

UPDATE: Time for me to pay back last week's compliment: TMFTML does this so much better.

WHAT THE WORLD DOES NOT NEED NOW
Coming soon to your elevator: politics.

By the way... best line? This: "It's very streety, as streety as I can make it." Mmmmokay, Puff Burty.

SCREW YOU, FREDERICK DOUGLASS
Same to you, John Lithgow, Garson Kanin, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Cab Calloway. Because Yahoo knows the correct answer to every query, and Yahoo doesn't lie!







Oh, and for a lamer list -- with one offensively obvious ommission -- click here.

I JUST WET MYSELF
Harriet Miers: songstress!

SHHHH. DON'T ATTRACT ATTENTION. JUST DISCREETLY DIAL 911
Patrick Doyle is in my office. Quiet! He'll see you!

In a few minutes we're going to a bar, where we'll be meeting him and him. Then we're going to another bar, where more blogilarity will ensure.

Somebody please send help. Quickly!

I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE EXACT MOMENT I TURNED HETEROSEXUAL
It was just minutes ago, when I read this headline.

Gotta find me a woman now. And fast.

CSI: KEY WEST
As they say on Fark (whence this item), The Smoking Gun is there!

LET'S SCAM THE TIMES, WANNA?
So a few minutes ago before I left for work this morning I was skimming the on-line version of the New York Times 'Metropolitan Diary' feature (reg req... you'll get over it). If you're unfamiliar with Metroplitan Diary, it's sort of the weekly Reader's Digest section of The Times. People send them items like:

As my 6-year-old and I were crossing the Transverse on the M79 bus, I was shocked when he turned to a gray-haired man and loudly asked him, "Are you President Clinton?"

I was even more shocked when I realized that it was President Clinton! And then I thought, 'How appropriate that one of our most articulate politicians was riding an articulated bus!'

You know... inanity like that.

So here's the thing: I think we should create a fictional Diary entry, and send it to The Times. But not just any Diary entry, because -- let's face it -- if I sent in the 'Bill Clinton-articulated bus' story, it wouldn't be a challenge. No, our Diary entry has to be over-the-top, while stopping short of being altogether unbelievable. It will be tough, but I have confidence in us.

Okay, let's make this a bit more challenging. I am now about to randomly select ten words that we will have to include in our amusing little story, taken from the fifteenth word in the most recent entries posted on selected blogs. (in the case of 'the,' 'and,' etc. I'll skip to the next real word.) The ten words are:

1. stressful (via Gatsby's Ghost)

2. just (via Crash)

3. Cleveland (via MAK)

4. trust (via Tuna Girl)

5. time (via Hot Toddy)

6. Geraldo (via Hikaruland)

7. Prime Minister (via The Scottish Guy... and, yes, I know that's two words and therefore cheating. But this is my blog and I make the rules)

8. Gulf (via Greg, who, by the way, needs to update)

9. age (via Downtown Lad)

10. help (via Pua)

Those are good words. This should be fun.

Because I'm all about deadlines these days, let's put this item together by next Monday, October 24. Leave your thoughts in the comments or drop me an e-mail.

Prankishly yours,
Famous Author Rob Byrnes

EVACUATE NOW
From the Department of Search Engine Queries: coming in late summer of '06!

FEELING THE POWER
Oy. (Can a WASP get away with that? Or should I be doing my 'Slap! Oy vey!' routine instead?)

There are approximately 7,000,000,000 blogs in the world; this blog ranks approximately 6,888,500,000 in popularity. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

That's why I'm trying to figure out why some of the popular kids are getting bent out of shape when I do what I do here, which is -- come on, class, all together -- Bitch About Things. You know, like: bad editing, bad writing, obvious errors, ironic headlines, and pretty much anything published by 365gay.com. Not to mention random things that either amuse or annoy me... or, usually, do both.

Not only that, but regular readers also know I'm one of my own favorite targets. Which other Famous Author would link you to bad reviews of his own work? Pynchon? I think not!

Listen, I know I'm Famous. But really, Gothamist and Jossip/Queerty, don't worry about it. This is what I do. Mostly I play nice; sometimes not-so-nice, but usually with tongue firmly planted in cheek. No need to get defensive about anything you read on this blog.

Okay, does everyone have their thick skin back on? Great. Because wait until I tell you what I just read on Gawker...

SUDDENLY I FEEL SO... SO... SPANGLY!
Gothamist keeps its straight cred, as it brings us up to date on the news:

Alerting Park Slope Lesbians and Chelsea Boys: Court Denies Gay Partner Right to Sue

Ordinarily, this news item would be of great interest to me. But since I am not a 'Chelsea Boy' -- being neither a resident nor the stereotype -- I guess I'm not supposed to care.

I do hope that, in the near future, Gothamist posts something of interest to 'Upper East Side Cocksuckers' or 'Hell's Kitchen Fag Bar Elbow-Benders,' because I would like to have one small reason to read it again. Am I asking for too much?

A SHOCKER FROM THE ADVOCATE!
OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! Melissa Etheridge is on the cover of The Advocate! I can't believe it! That is so unexpected! I'm... I'm... in shock! After all this time, The Advocate is no longer ignoring her! I mean, they haven't had her on the cover since, oh, I think the June 12, 2005 issue! I was afraid she had died or something!

I have to go lie down now. Weak heart...





Oh, and /sarcasm. Just in case you didn't know.

MEMO TO: NATIONAL REVIEW WEBMASTER
In paragraph 11, you didn't close the italics, and that annoys me.

I'm sure you regret the error. Thanks so much.

FOGGY FRIDAY
So I was at the Empire State Pride Agenda's 15th Annual Fall Dinner last night. And then for some strange reason, all the drunks decided it would be a good idea to have numerous nightcaps at Posh. Fear not, though: I'm sure I'll recover in time for Happy Hour.

Major memories of the evening:

1. Brady told Mario Cantone to take a picture of him, Gina Gershon, and Jimmy Fallon; Mario Cantone did not seem thrilled that he wasn’t recognized as a celebrity in his own right.

2. I sat next to the Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island. Yeah... one for the scrapbook.

3. Brady cornered Jimmy Fallon later in the evening, and had me explain in excruciating detail that he knows my roommate. Jimmy Fallon said he remembered him. I think Jimmy Fallon was just being polite.

4. My former roommate Lynette was a dinner co-chair and got to introduce the elected officials. She is becoming SuperLesbian.

5. Brady had Jimmy Fallon say hello to his sister-in-law in Colorado via cell phone.

6. Memo to Rufus Wainwright: dude, it's October and you're at a dressy dinner. Sandals are not appropriate.

7. Brady touched heads with Randy Harrison as they compared hair-length.

8. Randy Harrison is not as cute in person as you'd hope expect. Also, it's time for his mother to take him for a haircut and shave.

9. Somebody recognized me. We convinced him it was from my book jackets, but he was probably merely mistaken.

10. Cumming sightings: 0. Scared of me, PussyBoy?

11. My friend Craig got his picture taken with Mayor Bloomberg and I think picked up a few phone numbers. But you didn't hear it from me; I hate gossip.

I WAS ON A MEME LIST AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT
I really must Technorati myself more often. But here I am, Big Number 393!

Yeah, I know. 393. And he called me 'Robert,' which isn't as egregious as 'Bob,' but is still unwelcome. Still, the memesters added Updike, Mailer, and Malamud after me, so I'm not a total loser. (In list terms, at least.)

::SHAKING HEAD::
A lot of strange search engine queries have brought people to this blog, but I can usually figure out what the folks were looking for, even if this isn't the place to find it.

This one, though, has me confused. If anyone can shed some light, I'd appreciate it:

billy joel pizza oven

MY THURSDAY, IN TWELVE WORDS

I am a morning person. I'm just not a this morning person.

In happier news, I'll be at the Empire State Pride Agenda Fall Dinner tonight at the Sheraton. See you there.

JUST THE PERFECT BLENDSHIP
One of the unanticipated effects of the ban on smoking in bars in New York State was that people forced outside to smoke began to develop new friendships. Out of a bad habit comes some good, I suppose.

Which is how I've become close friends with a few guys who, two years ago, might have only been nodding acquaintances. I met them on the front porch at Posh (of course), and as the months passed, a friendship slowly grew.

This past weekend, we tested that friendship.

Because Steven, Greg, Craig and Rob went on a road trip to Cape May, New Jersey.

To fully grasp the significance of this, you have to understand a few things. We have never seen each other the first thing in the morning. We have never shared a bedroom. We have never traveled together. And while we e-mail throughout the day and socialize together a lot -- maybe too much, according to the respective boyfriends -- 98% of our activities have been at bars or dinner parties. We have never been together for extended periods of sobriety.

And let me add that we range in age from 28 to 46, our backgrounds and careers have little in common, and one of us even lives in Queens!

So... spending a weekend together? Total recipe for disaster.

But it wasn't. Yes, we learned that Craig likes to fling change at the toll booths while he barrels through at 50 miles per hour, and Greg can be quite the little rule-maker, and Steven is addicted to Diet Coke, and Rob is definitely not a pretty sight in the morning after a night of drinking. But we can mock all of that, so it's all good.

We also learned that we travel well together without getting on each other's nerves... and, most importantly, we enjoy each other's company. Even while sober.

Here are the boys (from the left: Steven, Greg, me, Craig, and our host, Bobby):


Here I am (with Greg and company) in a pose much more familiar to TRL readers:


And beach weather in New Jersey in October? It was a great weekend to ease into autumn...


Now, if you see any of these guys, don't let them know I had a good time and enjoy their friendship, okay? I have a reputation to uphold. Thanks.

THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG

Harriet Miers's Blog!!!

Heh.

UPDATE: When you stop by Harriet's blog, please read the comments. I beg you! Just as in the case of the late, lamented Bill Clinton blog -- see this and this -- there seem to be a lot of parody-impaired blog readers out there. Not you, of course; TRL readers almost always get the joke... which is why there are only nine of you, but that's another topic for another day.

MONDAY MORNING MYSTERY
Dial M for... Michael?

Mulder Behind The Camera
Michael Duchovny's directorial debut is rough but not without moments

(This cut-and-paste moment brought to you courtesy of 365gay.com, or -- as they might put it -- 856gay.org. Click on the link early and often, because they've recently learned how to correct their mistakes when -- and if -- they notice them.)

UPDATE: They caught it. Well... they caught it once. But you can still scratch your head over the 'Michael Duchovny' reference in the Spotlight sidebar on the main page. You're welcome.

UPDATE II: Now they caught that one, too. Dammit. Now they are acting just like the folks who blog at The Corner. No one lets me have any fun anymore.