SHOULD I EVER WRITE A SEQUEL TO TRUST FUND BOYS...
...which I just might do, if only to envision the expression on David "traumwelt"'s face, I will be sure to include a video tour of the bar, in which the cast of despicable characters look into the camera and repeat, over and over and over again, "Meet me at the Penthouse."

In the meantime, you and traumwelt will have to settle for this.

And there is a bonus: watch the video and see if you can Spot the Blogger!

(Thanks to James D for the link. I am forever grateful.)

INSTRUCTIONS ON WRITING, PART 492
From the news wires: a cautionary tale about how Grace Metalious ruined her own life:

Fans heard from Jeanne Gallant, Metalious' former neighbor, who described Metalious as an extremely intelligent, passionate writer whose biggest dream was to become a famous author.

Obviously, she did it all wrong. It is, of course, capital-F 'Famous', capital-A 'Author'. If you're going to be all about the lower cases, you are doomed to failure and obscurity.

Like Grace. And e.e.

And P.S. to the Associated Press: it's Metalious's, not Metalious'. I don't care what your stylebook says; I am correct. Note and heed my capitalized title.

Class dismissed.

--Famous Author Rob Byrnes

GOOD NEWS FOR THE GAY AMERICAN
With a little luck, this project should be done by the time his trade paperback book tour takes him to Pennsylvania! And nothing caps off an evening of hot anonymous sex with a trucker from Coeur d'Alene like Quizno's. Uh... they say.

Official Days of Obsession and Resentment: 180. And counting. (Tell me when I start to bore you, just like you did with Cumming. HAHAHAHAHA! I crack myself up! Like I care what you think!)

OF NOTE
I forgot to mention this earlier, but -- effective yesterday -- I finally joined the 21st Century and got broadband at home.

So now I own you bitches 24-7. Meaning, keep an eye open while you're sleeping...

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

'I am hooked on being central in the world, to being accepted and adored in the way that celebrities are.'
--The Gay American

Someone please find a way to stop this man from ruining every bit of joy in life! I beg you!

ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN
Once again with appreciation to John H, I now present my latest plot to dominate the Times bestseller list:



And no, I don't have PhotoShop. So shut up.


In other news:

* Patrick is bored. Please go to the hospital and visit him. Otherwise I'm afraid he's going to call me all. day. long.

* Funny. Also, their parents didn't join the PTA, and see what happened?

* This guy seems to take his name too literally. (And yes, I am ashamed of myself for making that lame-ass joke.)

* I am not seeing many customer reviews. That's not exactly an order; just an observation.

* Congratulations to Lambda Rising on being voted the Best Bookstore in Washington DC in the A-List 2006 poll! And have I mentioned lately that they have a bunch of autographed copies of When the Stars Come Out?


Now please stop bothering me. I have a lot to do today.

HE WHO SAYS 'YOU KNOW'
I hope I've just uploaded mp3s from my radio appearance yesterday. I hope.

If this works, click on the clicky-things below to hear me deny I was ever a hooker while shamelessly prostituting myself to sell books. You'll also hear me repeat many of the same McGreevey jokes you've read on this blog, note my humility, and say 'you know' a lot. You will not hear me mention Steve-O-Rama. Go figure.

Part 1: MP3-1.mp3

Part 2: MP3-2.mp3

PS: Thanks to John H. for the recording. Alas, he could not mask the nasal voice, but I've learned to live with it, and so can you.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION CONTACT:
Read. I'm sure you know what to do. If not, it should begin with: 'For Immediate Release'...

Better make my injury a broken wrist, and be creative with my relapse. You wouldn't want to sound derivative.

STARTING YOUR MORNING GAILY
It suddenly occurs to me that the "OutQ in the Morning" show on Sirius is almost as gay as Good Day New York on Fox 5.

Not outing. Just sayin'...

BOOKLIST
The Booklist review of Stars is in. Strangely, it focuses on the set-up to the story, rather than the story itself... but it's all good, so I'm not complaining. Plus, that last sentence will almost certainly find its way onto a book jacket some day...

Smart, wealthy, and good-looking, Noah Abraham should have no trouble meeting someone new. Still, there’s the ennui laced with desperation he feels when faced with the brick wall of his longtime project: interviewing closeted people in D.C. politics for a book he fears will never happen. In New York to see his post-heart attack dad, the famous attorney, Max Abraham, he agrees to take dad’s trophy wife, Tricia, to a gay bar. There she establishes herself as Miss Popularity with the smokers outside, while Noah mopes inside until a handsome stranger makes contact while ordering a drink. Turns out Bart is the personal assistant to former star Quinn Scott, who needs a writer to help craft his tell-all memoirs. Ex-wife Kitty, now a Hollywood force, wants to sabotage this laundering of dirty linen, so the plot thickens delightfully. Byrnes turns out another deftly written and enticingly complex gay romance.

RADIO BOY
I had a great time on Sirius Radio's "OutQ in the Morning" show a few hours ago. Thanks to Larry, Keith, Cynthia, and Steven the Intern for making it such a wonderful experience, and helping me quickly get past my nervousness.

And thanks to my buddy John for recording it and sending me an MP3. I'm a very busy boy right now, but I'll try to upload the MP3 file later (if possible) so the three or four of you who missed it can catch up.

THE GAY AMERICAN IS IN CONNECTICUT!!!
It's true! He was just spotted in Branford, and he's on a rampage...

What?

Oh. Coyote. And woman! I'm sorry. I saw the words stalking, tricks, and rest stop, and I guess I got ahead of myself. Never mind.

THE QUIET MAN
Today is the official release date of The Gay American's memoir. But you probably didn't know that, because, as the AP reports, The Gay American "has remained publicly silent since resigning as governor" after announcing his Big All-Encompassing Gayness.

In fact, since becoming a Former Governor, you never hear anything about him. Never. It's as if he's ceased to exist.

I imagine it's has been difficult for the Former Governor to adapt to a quiet, anonymous private life. I hope he can once again project the self-confidence and sense of purpose he will need to tell his story to the public.

For his is the story of The Gay American. And we must listen.


PS: You might notice in that AP article that The Gay American was interviewed on Sirius Radio by Bernie Kerik's Former Mistress. That reminds me: remember to tune in to channel 106 tomorrow for Sirius Radio's OutQ in the Morning Show. Rumor has it that a hot young gay author will be on the air.

ON THE RADIO
As you've no doubt noticed -- since you read my sidebar daily -- I am going to be a guest on Sirius Radio's "OutQ in the Morning" show on Wednesday, September 20, at 9:30 AM. You can find OutQ on Channel 106.

As a supporter of all things that support me, I think you should subscribe to Sirius. But if you want to check it out for a few days, coinciding with my appearance at 9:30 AM on Wednesday, September 20, click on the 'Free Online Trial' thingie on the web site banner.

I should probably warn you that I have almost no experience with broadcasting and my voice still carries a notable Rochester accent, which many people don't consider on par with, say, a French accent when it comes to sexiness. This is my way of telling you that I don't know what to expect. I could be charming and funny, or I could be annoying and grating, or I could be catatonic.

But if I'm really bad, you will have material to use against me for years. So it's a no-lose situation for you, isn't it?

Tune in.

BOOK PARTY POST-MORTUM
I feel sorry for the people who come to one of my book parties and don't get their book signed until 8:00 or so. I really do. Hopefully, my signature is passably legible, but I make no guarantees.

So here are the damages:

* 112 guests, to the best of our head-counting abilities
* at least one apparent blogger-on-blogger hook-up
* three names that I couldn't remember
* two forgotten names recovered from memory upon prompting
* 32 or 33 books sold by the staff from the Oscar Wilde Bookshop
* eight or 9 additional books later sold from my private stock
* one unfortunate situation involving alcohol, a toilet, and a long nap
* one person tumbling down the stairs
* one person almost plummeting backwards down the stairs
* two people ending up at the Eagle until 4:00 AM
* one boyfriend and 3 ex-boyfriends
* many photographs, none of which I have seen
*
* special guest Famous Authors Greg Herren, Andy Zeffer, and Kevin Scott, as well as soon-to-be Famous Author David Puterbaugh
* a batch of bloggers, including Crash, Jase, Boi From Troy, Patrick, Alex, and Beau.
* one Horshack


As they say: good times, good times...

COAST TO COAST
Booked:

Sirius Radio's 'Out Q in the Morning' Show
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
9:30 AM (Eastern, of course)

Tune in, kids, and hear this Rochester accent make its national radio debut.


PS: Come to my damn book party tonight, bitches.

LEST YOU THINK I'M GETTING SOFT IN MY OLD AGE...
Would someone explain the relationship between this headline and the accompanying list?

Oh, never mind. It suddenly occurs to me that these must be the Queerty Editor's Selections...

HOUSEKEEPING; or THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Well, the slight change of seasons has done me a world of good. The crispness in the air has lifted me out of my summer lethargy and reignited my productivity. And yay for that. I try not to discuss the day job here, but I will admit that for the latter half of the summer I was burned out. I thought I needed a vacation -- well, I do need a vacation -- but, for now, I am back in form.

So in the spirit of catching up on things...

1. Thanks to the folks at Lambda Rising for all their hospitality, and especially to Mary Kay, who got the party rolling. ("Read to us," she implored, and I did... even though some of the 'us' didn't want to be read to. You know what? Screw'em.) Anyway, I had a great visit to Washington, and I hope to be back soon. In the meantime, LR has a stock of personally-autographed copies of When the Stars Come Out, so you know what to do.

2. WTF? The Gay American is appearing on The Twatty McGee Show? And not me? So, so wrong.

3. I think I will have a few big book-promotion-type items to announce in the next few days, so stay tuned.

4. Okay, so The Gay American’s got Oprah… but I’ve got you. Which would seem like a decent trade-off, if you had billions of dollars and could make my book an instant best-seller, but you can’t so... uh... where was I? I know I had a point to this.

Oh yes! For one last time, mark your calendars!

Thursday, September 14, 2006
6:00 PM - 9:00 PM
"When the Stars Come Out": The Launch Party
at
VLADA
331 West 51st Street
(betw. 8th and 9th avenues)
Manhattan

If you have a book, bring it and I'll sign it. [Note: this strategy works best if it's actually one of the books I've written.] But if you don't have a book, don't fret. Thanks to the Oscar Wilde Bookshop (15 Christopher Street, Manhattan; 212-255-8097; they also have signed books in stock... just sayin') you can buy a book on Thursday night right in the comfort of your own bar space! Aren't modern times wonderful?

And if you were a good girl and/or boy and ordered your copy of "Stars" when you saw it was an InsightOut Books Editor's Selection, but it has not yet arrived, I'll just catch up with you later. It's not as if any of us are going anywhere, right? Like, say, on Oprah...

Better yet, rumor has it that some other celebrated authors will be in the house, so look for Greg Herren, Andy Zeffer, and Kevin Scott. Oh, and this one, too. (Ooooh! Java programming!) And representing the non-writers, we hear that a certain West Coast blogger plans to join the party.

So remember: Thursday night. Vlada. Books. Drinks. Famous Author Rob Byrnes. Other celebrities. Totally better than sitting alone at home watching another episode of Nancy Grace and drinking yourself into a stupor. You know, like last night.

I hope to see you on Thursday!

MR. BYRNES GOES TO WASHINGTON
Hey, you! Yeah, you! Remember that I'm going to be visiting Lambda Rising in Washington, DC tomorrow. That's Thursday, September 7, 2006, if you don't happen to be reading this minutes after I upload it.

Complete details:

MEET Famous Author Rob Byrnes!

HEAR excerpts from his new hit novel,
When the Stars Come Out!

GET an autographed book!
(only $23 plus tax)

Thursday, September 7, 2006
7:00 PM
at
Lambda Rising
1625 Connecticut Avenue NW
Washington, DC

Oh... and let me give a shout out to my girls Heidi and Mary Kay at Lambda Rising, who have made this easy on me.



Now that that's out of the way, I need some Washingtonian expertise. Way back when, I had planned to stay with a friend of my boyfriend, but he had to leave town on business. So now I'm looking for a less-expensive hotel ('less expensive' because, much as I love my publishing house, paying the travel expenses of their authors is not one of Those Things They Do.) I've loved staying at Helix and Rouge in the past, but -- given the short notice -- the rack rates seem a bit high to me for a one-night stay. So if anyone has a suggestion, leave it in the comments or e-mail me. Otherwise I'm spending a long, cold night at Union Station, and you will feel bad.


Oh, and one last thing on the subject of gay independent booksellers we heart: The Oscar Wilde Bookshop (15 Christopher Street) now has 8 or 9 signed copies of the book. If you're in New York, go buy one.



YET ANOTHER UPDATE: I am reconsidering taking Amtrak to DC. Seriously.

Q: WHAT GOES THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!
A: My head as I repeatedly hit it against the wall after reading this:

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to stand?
A: A fruit stand!

Actually, the correct answer would be 'a fruit sit,' wouldn't it? Or perhaps 'a fruit waiting-line-outside-the-velvet- rope'?

I swear to God, folks, I do not go looking for them.

SIX DEGREES OF IRRITATION
From... wait, do I really have to write that out?

• Ellen Degeneres was involved in a six degrees of separation drunk driving accident. Maybe she'll joke less about downing whiskey and driving around the parking lot? [Access Hollywood]

Theoretically, I suppose one could stretch and use the phrase 'six degrees of separation.' That would certainly be, um, unique, in that it implies that Ellen's car was hit by someone who was the ex-wife of Ellen's former co-star Jeremy Piven's agent, or something like that.

But in keeping with the rule of writing that says that reader comprehension is best served by clarity, I think they should have gone with the tried-but-true 'chain reaction.' That way, the reader doesn't have to read the link to figure out what's going on and we can leave Jeremy Piven's agent's ex-wife out of it.

A HEARTBREAKING GAWKER ENTRY OF STAGGERING WTF?-NESS
Remember how we were recently going to pepper Gawker Stalker with Famous Author Rob Byrnes sightings, in order to raise my profile and therefore sell more books among the Great Unwashed who read, say, Gawker, and not The Rob Log?

Remember how they caught us, and dismissed us with a curt 'nice try'?

And remember how the editor told me that, in any event, none of you bitches had bothered reporting a sighting to Gawker, so the exercise was pointless? (Oh wait... I didn't share that with you, did I? Well he did. So there.)

Anyway, I'd was willing to drop this entire unfortunate matter, but the kids at Gawker are clearly trying to rub my nose in it. Read this.

Yes, Gawker is publicizing a book that won't be released until next April. April! 2007! According to Al Gore, we'll probably all be dead by then! For better or worse, my book is out right now... which you know, of course, because your copy is sitting at home on your nightstand.

So what am I to make of all this? It's quite simple really: Rob Byrnes is homosexual; Dana Vachon is heterosexual. Rob Byrnes has a book out right now, while Dana Vachon's book won't be out until we are all fried by Global Warming, but he is a heterosexual, so he gets the publicity.

Blatent anti-gay bias? Can there be any doubt? And the timing is so clearly aimed directly at me -- the insult added to the injury -- that I can come to only one conclusion: Dana Vachon and his lackeys at Gawker fear me! I am a threat to them!

But because I am the bigger man -- by a good fifteen pounds, at least -- I am going to pre-order Mergers & Acquisitions and continue to visit Gawker. Some day, when vengeance is mine, it will be good to know that I never stooped to their level of discrimination and meanness.

I just hope the polar icecap doesn't melt before that day.



UPDATE: Just to be clear, my tongue is planted firmly in cheek when I complain about Gawker's anti-gay bias. In truth, Gawker is gayer than... well, me. And anyway, they are so busy hating on the Jews over there that they don't have time to worry about the 'mos.

DI & I
(With apologies to Peter Lefcourt.)

So how perfect was my Labor Day afternoon? There I was, sitting in the bar area of the Algonquin Hotel, finally having the opportunity to meet face-to-face with my longtime Internet friend, the best-selling novelist Diana Gabaldon (who, by the way, is every bit as attractive as her author photo) and dish about writing and writers. And Diana had even purchased a copy of STARS for me to sign, and how sweet was that? A best-selling novelist, with millions of copies of books in print in dozens of languages, went out and bought my book.*

And then -- after practicing pronouncing her last name time and time again -- what slipped out of my mouth? Gabaldon with a short 'O', as in don, rather than a long 'O', as in stone, which is the proper way to pronounce Gabaldon.

Sigh. You are now free to pronounce my last name BY-rones.

Once.


* FYI, I also brought her a signed copy, so now she has two. If you're nice to her, maybe she'll give you her spare.