HOW THE ELECTION MIGHT NOT BE DECIDED ON NOVEMBER 2
Joe Lenski, Executive Vice President of Edison Media Research, has put together a fascinating list of 14 Election Nightmare Scenarios for 2004... well, fascinating if you're a political junkie, that is. It's a lengthy piece, so save it for your lunch hour (*wink* *wink*). It's your civics lesson for today.

(Via The Corner)

WHAT A DAY FOR A DAYDREAM
So I had a strange call from someone at my publishing house a short time ago. He had heard from another Famous Author that a movie was being made of Trust Fund Boys.

Well… uh, no.

I assured him that if that was happening, (a) I would know, (b) my agent would know, and (c) he would know.

It was nice to daydream about it this afternoon, though. I wonder if they'd let me write the screenplay...

COMPARE AND CONTRAST
Image 1: Today's Current Electoral Vote Predictor map (October 28, 2004):

Image 2: ePodunk's map of Mobile Homes by State:

BUSH SUPPORTS CLONING!


The full story at Daily Kos.

THE LESBIANS ARE COMING! THE LESBIANS ARE COMING!
Never before has the phrase "a Champagne Brunch" sounded so malevolent. Eeek! Read what those sweet good ol' GOPers have uncovered in North Carolina. It is nothing short of scandalous that a known lesbian is running for public office down there. If she gets elected, no one's children will be safe and sessions of the State Senate will probably open with some Wiccan lesbian devil-dance or something! Why, I'd bet even that Sapphic novelist Lynne Cheney wouldn't object to this outing!

On a more serious note, this makes me all the more eager to see what Mike Rogers has in store in the upcoming hours. Allegedly, it involves... a very prominent North Carolina Republican. Gee... that would be a shame, wouldn't it? Heh. Heh. Heh.

(Via the comments section of BlogActive)

AN OCTOBER SURPRISE HITS SCHENECTADY
Forget missing weapons in Iraq, the fact that Osama bin Laden has been held in Dick Cheney's rec room since last May, or the imminent announcement by John Kerry that he has found a cure for cancer, but won't share unless he's elected. Schenectady, NY (where I spent four years of my life that I'll never get back, but I'll save that topic for another day) is where the October Surprise is playing out in all its glory: strippers, cats, and feces.

Gotta love the electoral process!

"Candidate's arrest comes to light"

DEMOCRATIC VOTER INTIMIDATION
This has to be stopped. Clearly, Kerry supporters are out of control. In a free society, conservatives should not be subjected to intimidating thuggish tactics like the indignities faced by The Corner's Elizabeth Fisher:

I just ran to get a sandwich at Cosi and noticed a young man in front of me holding a Bush/Cheney sign... When the woman behind the counter spitefully asked, "You're voting for Bush?" the young man replied, "Hey, I'm just holding the sign."... This little incident made me wonder....how many Bush voters are intimidated by people like the sandwich lady?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the sort of thing you'd expect in Saddam Hussein's Iraq, not in America! In America, all of us have a voice, and the lowly janitor's vote counts just the same as the powerful Cosi Sandwich Lady's vote. Keep that in mind on November 2 when you participate in a democratic election.

STOP THE JACK-BOOTED COSI SANDWICH LADY'S SCARE TACTICS!
My name is Famous Author Rob Byrnes, and I approve this message. Unless the mean ol' Cosi Sandwich Lady comes after me, in which case I deny any knowledge of it.

OH. NO.
From my referrals, some very bad mental imagery.

GUY FUCKING CHICK AND CUMMING INSIDE HER


No lunch for me today...

OCTOBER SURPRISE
That's what Michael Rogers at BlogActive is promising a few politicians in the next day or two. Is it hype? Or is it the richly-deserved humiliation of hypocrites who deserved to be outed?

Stay tuned.

... ... ...

... Well... I was about to publish this entry without further comment, but decided that maybe I should add a few words about outing.

I'll start right off by saying that I'm of two minds about the subject. While I think it's unhealthy and sad, I have no problem if a person wants to live his or her life in the closet. Let me add that I include political figures -- even political figures who lack backbone on gay rights issues -- in this category. In that regard, I haven't been wildly enthusiastic about the recent outings of a few high-level Republican Party and congressional staffers. I'm not saying that some of those outings were unqualifiedly wrong, but they make me a bit uncomfortable.

Then there are the villains. These are the people who actively use homosexuality as a political tool, but partake of the fruits (errr... no pun intended. Really.) of a more tolerant society... or skulk around the bushes at its fringes. These are the men and women who verbally gay-bash by day to win votes, then sip a cocktail with a same-sex companion by night. These are the people who deserve to be outed. Michael Rogers has caught a few of them in the recent past, and I hope he's about to reveal another couple.

While I'm on the subject, let me tell you the story about the time I was outed. Sort of.

As you probably know -- because I'm famous, and you're therefore fascinated with my life -- I used to be the top aide to a not-particularly-pro-gay state legislator. I didn't come out to myself until I was in my late twenties, and my very Type-B personality wasn't conducive to making a big public announcement about my self-revelation, so I just sort of let word seep out.

Around this time, my boss had a political rival who was rumored to be gay. But rumors are easy to spread. Even one person who claimed to have known him didn't confirm that The Rival was gay... although he told me that The Rival was known as "Missy" in their circles, supposedly for his prissiness.

Whatever. I just kept living my life. And then one night I pulled my car into the parking lot of a gay bar and saw The Rival's car.

I sat behind the wheel and thought about the consequences for a moment. Yes, word of my homosexuality was making the rounds through the political community, but I did not yet think it had reached my boss, and I had no idea how he'd react. On the other hand, if The Rival was in that bar, he couldn't really say anything; we would have what amounted to the sexual version of Mutually Assured Destruction. On yet another hand, what if he had just wandered in, either supporting a gay friend or completely ignorant...

I parked my car and decided to split the difference between fear and pride. I would go into the bar, but I'd play it very casual. As if I was completely ignorant. Just in case.

I spotted him out of the corner of my eye when I walked in the door, leaning against the cigarette machine. (Remember those? Good times... good times...) Playing it cool -- as if it was my first time in the bar, and as if the bar was just some neighborhood tavern, which, in a sense, it was -- I caught the bartender's eye and prepared to order.

That's when the bartender hollered, "Hi, Rob! The usual?!!"

The Rival was gone when I finally got the courage to turn around.

Later that night, I managed to relate the story to a couple -- man/woman, that is -- I was close to, who were also close to my boss. They thought it was funny and, more importantly, assured me that the boss knew all about my little secret and was still comfortable with me. A few days later, my boss showed that.

We were at a political event at a conservative church, and The Rival and his cohorts were working the crowd. I couldn't quite hear what they were saying, but there were a lot of fingers pointing in my direction. I knew, without question, that I was being outed.

On the ride home, my boss said, "You seemed to be quite a topic of conversation this afternoon."

I swallowed and stared ahead at the road.

He smiled, shook his head, and chuckled. "So... they call him 'Missy,' huh?"

We never really talked about gay issues in the years after that, but his voting record on those issues improved. I was given some credit in the political community, but I really think that, as times changed and gay men and lesbians became more visible, he came to see that many of the stereotypes and much of the misinformation he grew up with was false. Times changed, and he adapted. That was my lesson on the power of visibility.

As for the Political Rival, I think we all really know that he didn't accidentally stumble into a gay bar that night, right? Well, he got married a few years later and seems to be living a typical suburban existence these days.

But would you really be surprised if they still call him 'Missy' sometimes?

SCARIER THAN WOLVES!
Oh, shit... This is brilliant.

(Via AmericaBlog)

THE ODD COUPLE
Just what I needed to end my week: images of Sim Bush tickling Sim Kerry. Too funny.

See the rest of the action here.

(Via Kottke)

HUH. I DIDN'T SEE THIS ONE COMING
And I wonder if my friend Lynette agrees...

Congratulations! You are Lynette Scavo, the
ex-career woman who traded the boardroom for
boredom, mixed with moments of sheer panic as
the mother of four unmanageable kids.


Which Desperate Housewife are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Via Daniel)

KARL ROVE PHOTO OF THE DAY

Someone should tell him that you're only supposed to use two fingers to simulate devil horns.

(Photo Via Drudge)

Related: Yesterday's Karl Rove Photo of the Day, in which he... well, I'm not sure what he was doing...

HELP ANDREW SULLIVAN
Forgiving him his Dick Cheney-Daddy fetish, Andrew Sullivan has been a strong and consistent voice calling Republicans on their anti-gay rhetoric and hypocrisy through this election season. Now he's blegging for a little help:

We've been inundated these past few days by Republicans bemoaning John Kerry's alleged gay-baiting in this campaign... They've referred to Kerry's comments in clear and bold terms: "indecent," "shameless," "outrageous." I have a simple question. Does anyone have a single leading Republican voice objecting to Republican Senate candidate Jim DeMint's statement that gays should be barred from teaching in public schools? Has any leading conservative criticized the RNC flier claiming that a vote for Kerry would mean banning the Bible and forcing gay marriage on the entire country? Has any leading conservative columnist criticized some of the anti-marriage state amendments because of their vast scope and banning of any protections for gay couples?

You probably can't help him, because it probably doesn't exist. But if any of you with a lot of time on your hands and/or a vested interest in making Republicans look good less bad (*cough* not naming names *cough*) have any information, I'm sure he'd love to set the record, er, straight.

IF ANN COULTER WAS SITTING NEXT TO HIM, IT WOULD BE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

Bush Adviser Lays Under Air Force One

(Via Fark)

THINGS I DON'T THINK I WOULD DO IF I OWNED A RESTAURANT
#1. I don't think I'd have bugs crawling all over the food on my web site.

#2. See #1.

SOLVING THE MARY CHENEY PROBLEM
I wasn't going to blog politics this week. Really. For two reasons.

First, because I started this blog purely for entertainment purposes. I do have political beliefs, of course, but I'm proud to have friends who span the ideological spectrum. While my readers largely know where I stand on any given issue, I think of this blog as a place where anyone -- well, anyone who considers me to be minimally entertaining -- can come and play without fear that I'll be lecturing them.

Second, because what kind of idiot would turn to TRL for thoughtful political analysis? I mean, really, people!

However, I feel compelled to briefly revisit the Mary Cheney controversy, because -- thanks to AmericaBlog -- it seems that there is a way to prevent situations like that from arising in the future, thereby protecting Mary's new-found privacy and eliminating the need for Dick and Lynne to issue further calls for blood-lust revenge. Quite simply:

"The ex-gays are living proof that change is possible... Happiness requires hope, and real hope is the knowledge that many men and women overcome unwanted same-sex attractions every year, even those who believed at one time that they were born that way and had no choice."

It is a perfect solution to a sticky Cheney Family problem. No longer would John Kerry and John Edwards be able to smear Mary's name by branding her a lesbian, which must be a secret Democartic code word because, well, everyone knows that lesbians are icky. No longer would Mary be callously given a sweatshop-like six-figure salary to be a professional homosexual, since we now can assume her resentment over that exploitation. No longer would Dick and Lynne need to be enraged that their child-rearing has been called into question, because I'm sure that they thought they were being good parents by allowing young Mary to wear jeans and play softball. How could they have known that their lax parenting would one day result in sexual deviance seldom seen outside the state of Oklahoma?

In short, this would be a prime definition of a 'win/win' situation. I do hope the Cheneys take the fine ex-gay folks up on their offer. It will make us all much happier.

Well... except Mary.

BEHOLD THE POWER OF CINEMA

Home Fire Inspired By Movie, Beers, Man Says

WITH MOMS LIKE THESE...
So Lynne Cheney -- author of hot girl-on-girl sex scenes and seemingly willing sexual partner of Dick Cheney -- thinks it is 'cheap and tawdry' that John Kerry mentioned her daughter's open, affirmed, acknowledged, and paraded-when-convenient lesbian status. What's up with that?

Is Lynne embarrassed? Sounds like it to me.

Mrs. Cheney, if you're reading this (and, of course, I'm sure you are, since the Internets say I'm famous), I've got a revelation for you: your daughter is a lesbian. This isn't innuendo. This isn't gossip. This isn't mud-slinging. It's a statement of fact. You and your husband have even said it yourselves when it suited you politically.

As the gay child of - gasp - parents, meaning that I've got almost 46 [Ed. none of your business SHUT UP!] years of that parent-child relationship thingie under my belt, I've got to tell you something. When you say "(t)he only thing I can conclude is he [Kerry] is not a good man. I'm speaking as a mom," I have to disagree.

A decent mother wouldn't be ashamed of her daughter's sexuality, or sacrifice her daughter's dignity for votes. Lynne Cheney, you are the person here who is not good. Now go hug your daughter and apologize, and tell her it won't happen again.

(Let me tell you, folks, it's tough being responsible for all this relationship advice. I hope you all appreciate that.)

C'MON, BABY, RUB THAT FALAFEL ALL OVER ME
Loofah:


Falafel:


Man Who Apparently Doesn't Know the Difference:


Moral of the Story: Don't let Bill O'Reilly sexually harrass you. Also, don't let him make you lunch.

"THE ART CHOSE THE WORDS"
This story is too good not to pass on. I'll have to remember her excuse the next time my brain and fingers aren't cooperating with each other.

(Via Fark)

THERE THEY GO AGAIN, AGAIN
Another Republican Senate candidate gets to the heart of America's problems. Presenting Jim Holt of Arkansas:

"If my own mother voted against the Federal Marriage Amendment, I'd be campaigning against her."

"I don't feel like this is the only issue that we're talking about, but it is the most important issue, I believe, in America."

No, I'm not surprised. The only surprise is that some gay people will cheer when some combination of Holt*, Martinez, DeMint, Keyes*, and Coburn win election to the Senate.

* - Just because a candidate really doesn't have a chance doesn't make that candidate any less scary.

THERE THEY GO AGAIN
Those zany Republican Senate candidates are at it again:

The Republican Senate candidate in Oklahoma warns of "rampant" lesbianism in some schools in the state in a tape released Monday by his Democratic opponent... Coburn says a campaign worker from Coalgate told him that "lesbianism is so rampant in some of the schools in southeast Oklahoma that they'll only let one girl go to the bathroom. Now think about it. Think about that issue. How is it that that's happened to us?"

In the meantime, and on a much more humorous note, it turns out that one of those Republican Congressmen who got all hot and bothered over Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction was guilty of his own nekkid youthful indiscretion.

Related Scary Republican Senate Candidate Items:
Mel Martinez of Florida
Alan Keyes of Maryland Illinois
Jim DeMint of South Carolina

Tell me again... why is it you believe that civilized people should vote Republican? I'm not getting it.

LET THE EXPLOITATION BEGIN!
John Kerry mentioned Christopher Reeve in Friday's presidential debate.

Christopher Reeve died Sunday.

And on Monday, John Kerry started using Christopher Reeve's corpse on the campaign trail.

Kerry, who knew the "Superman" actor for about 15 years through family and dedication to the same causes, said Reeve left him a long voice mail on Saturday thanking him for campaigning on the possibilities of a cure for conditions like his.

The brave Christopher Reeve phoned Kerry. Sounds sweet... until you think about it, and realize that Reeve was obviously in such a weakened state that the energy he expended leaving Kerry a 'long voice mail' surely sapped his strength and impacted his already precarious health, meaning that JOHN KERRY KILLED CHRISTOPHER REEVE!

Okay, maybe that was a bit much. After all, Reeve was the one who allegedly called Kerry, when he probably should have been doing something more productive like breathing or pressing that little button they give you when you've fallen and can't get up. But still.

I'll be voting for Kerry, but I'm totally turned off by this display of necroophiliac campaigning. There is a time and place to evoke the legacy of Christopher Reeve, and that's not gratuitously in the middle of a speech on energy policy.

SO LONG
Inspired by my arch-nemesis Hot Toddy's pruning of the linky goodness, I decided to clean things up here at TRL. Nothing dramatic... I just realized that I still listed several blogs that are hiatus, never updated, or I seldom read anymore. If I happened to lop you off and you feel slighted, drop me a line and I'll make things right.

And please don't take it personally. For some reason, I noticed recently that a site had de-linked me -- yes, me! -- but I wasn't offended. Ummm... true, I did de-link the offending blog, but I was never really quite sure why we were linked in the first place, so it's all good.

It's bizarre that someone would intentionally de-link me, though. I wonder what I did. Maybe it was an unintentional template accident. Maybe if I just e-mail them...

WHAT IF THEY CALLED A BOYCOTT AND EVERYONE CAME ANYWAY?
You know, I consider myself to be pretty damn gay. Totally homo-fied. But the Gay National Boycott for Equality largely flew under my radar. Therefore, I am at work.

You know what, though? Even if I had paid attention, I would have thought it was a stupid idea. Which is why I imagine 98% of us are sitting at our desks today, either oblivious of this boycott or just plain ignoring it.

From the organizers' web site:

This is a call for a nation-wide boycott in the traditions of Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King. We are asking all GLBT Americans and their Straight Allies to "drop out" of the United States economy for one day to demonstrate that we are vital and important members of our communities with significant economic presence. There are four elements to the boycott: withdraw from work, withdraw from your ATM, withdraw from commerce and withdraw from cell phone communication.

First of all, what is a one-day boycott going to accomplish? Targeted boycotts may be effective, but let's face it: everyone who denies themselves something on Friday is going to make up for it on Saturday, so Big Fucking Deal. Their statement "(i)f we make no purchases, we do not generate sales tax for government coffers or revenues for businesses" is therefore meaningless.

Then they ask us to "(w)ithdraw from work. Call in sick or use a personal/vacation day. You do not have to come out to anyone in doing so unless you choose to do so." Idiotic and counter-productive. Everyone knows that the most effective way to combat homophobia is to come out, but these people are telling you to fight anti-gay bigotry by faking a case of the sniffles. By these standards, cold-and-flu season should eliminate discrimination altogether.

"We are asking GLBT citizens to withdraw $80 from their bank accounts on that Friday and hold the cash in their pockets... On Saturday, October 9, either redeposit the money into your account, OR spend it at a local GLBT friendly business." Ooooh! For one day we withdraw the money we would have withdrawn anyway, and then the next day we'll re-deposit it! There's logic in action for you!

Do not use your cell phone for the entire day. We are planning on GLBT citizens to disappear for the day so that our fellow citizens feel the loss of our presence in their lives. Words fail me.

The people behind this boycott are no doubt well-meaning, but good intentions don't necessarily result in good ideas. And this idea is just plain dumb, especially because by actively encouraging people to hide from view and giving them pointers on how to boycott but stay in the closet, they reinforce the single biggest thing that allows homophobia to thrive: the invisibility of gay co-workers, relatives, and neighbors.

Instead of boycotting, here's what you should do: live every facet of your life outside the closet. That doesn't mean that you have to be in everyone's face every waking moment, but you should be visible.

And here's what I'm going to do: work, engage in commerce by purchasing an Amtrak ticket, visibly fill a seat on the train, and go to see my boyfriend, where I will then engage in homosexual acts. (Okay... that last part will be in compliance with the boycott, because it will be behind close doors without witnesses, but you'll just have to take my word for it.)

RANDOM ITEMS THAT DON'T FIT ANYWHERE ELSE
('Cause You All Know How 'On-Topic' I Keep TRL)
1. Hot Toddy thinks he's all that lately, so we should probably be shunning him just to show him who's boss, but go wish him a Happy 43rd Birthday anyway.

2. A rare news article: someone who doesn't seem to be hell-bent on winning the Timothy Treadwell/Roy Horn ("The Other White Meat") Award.

3. "That's Senator Faggot to you!"

4. Reminder to self: e-mail Garth Brooks Randy Travis Dale Earnhardt Cooter Ricky Skaggs and demand cheap concert tickets for Michael.

5. Reminder to self: e-mail Google News on behalf of Treacher's campaign to list his blog as a news source. But only because I'm lobbying to ghost-write Puce's biography and this seems like an easy way to suck up.

6. When I obsessively checked my site meter this morning, the number of overnight visitors was through the roof. (Well... by my standards.) I was all excited that someone popular had linked to me, but when I checked my referrers I realized that I was reaping the benefit of a post-Apprentice 'Carolyn Kepcher' Googling frenzy. Ah well. Thanks for stopping by, anyway!

7. Reminder to self: mention Carolyn Kepcher as often as possible. Also Lindsay Lohan and frottage on the DC subway.

8. Do all celebrities have too much time on their hands?

9. Mark at Zeitzeuge found this. It's very funny. Go there now.

10. There is no Number 10. What, you think I've got all day to do this?

HOT/NOT
Hot: In the shower... lathered up... thighs rubbing together...

Not: You're alone.

The Moral of the Story: When you pay $91 each month for a gym membership, you really should try to use it.

"AND THEM JEWS JUS' WANNA BE TEACHERS SO THEY CAN SNATCH THE CHRISTIAN BABIES, TOO!"
In the fine tradition of Alan Keyes of Maryland Illinois and Mel Martinez of Florida, I am proud to present another reason the Republicans should not control the United States Senate: South Carolina's Jim DeMint:

A U.S. Senate candidate who said recently that homosexuals should not be teaching in South Carolina's public schools has added another group to his list of poor role models for children -- pregnant women with live-in boyfriends.

"I would have given the same answer when asked if a single woman, who was pregnant and living with her boyfriend, should be hired to teach my third-grade children. I just think the moral decisions are different with a teacher."

It makes you sort of wonder what's going on in his children's schools, doesn't it?

UMMMM... WELCOME?

My Yahoo Referral of the Day

JEB BUSH SOLVES THE HANGING CHAD PROBLEM
Via e-mail from my friend Howard comes the new presidential election ballot from the state of Florida. Vote early and often!

SOMETIMES ANDREW SULLIVAN REALLY FRIGHTENS ME, PART 845

They'll both be seated at a table, immediately allowing Cheney to do his assured, paternal, man-of-the-world schtick that makes me roll on my back and ask to have my tummy scratched. (Yes, I do think that Cheney is way sexier than Edwards. Not that you asked or anything.)

Sigh. Another day, another reason to give up sex.

Related: Andrew's tummy-scratcher has got balls

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

Pop veteran Elton John has taken a foul-mouthed swipe at Madonna, saying she cheats her fans by miming on stage...

"Anyone who lip-synchs in public on stage when you pay 75 pounds to see them should be shot," John said in reference to ticket prices for Madonna's Reinvention tour.

"Madonna, best f***ing live act? F*** off," said the singer renowned as much for his outrageous outbursts as he is for his outlandish outfits.

"Since when has lip-synching been live?" he asked.

He ended his outburst by saying: "That's me off her f***ing Christmas card list but do I give a toss? No."

This is gonna be gooooooooooood!

Elton John takes swipe at Madonna

Related: Last week's Elton melt-down!

TRL: APPARENTLY YOUR BLOG FOR ALL THINGS CAROLYN KEPCHER
Referrals from the past twelve hours:

Carolyn Kepcher sexy pics
background education Carolyn Kepcher
CAROLYN KEPCHER pics
carolyn kepcher

And not to be ignored is this very specific web search, which sounds sort of like the set-up for a very bad joke:
Lindsay Lohan gets drunk at a party and her boobs fall out

CLEVEREST TURN OF PHRASE EVER!
Oh, man! I tell ya, some of our United States Members of Congress are more clever and original than the rest of us could ever hope to be. For example, take this bon mot from yesterday's House debate on a Constitutional ban on gay marriage:

"God created Adam and Eve, He didn't create Adam and Steve," said Rep. Roscoe Bartlett, R-Md.

Bwahahahahahaha!!! We homos like to think we're so sharp-tongued and witty, but even Oscar Wilde couldn't have come up with that one. Good one, Congressman!

And look! He can ride a Segway, too! He's like some sort of Renaissance Man! I bow in awe...


UPDATE: Rep. David Dreier (R-CA) voted against the amendment. Rep. Ed Schrock (R-VA) voted for it. I'm just sayin'...