POLITICS CAN BE MEAN FUN MEAN AND FUN!
Much like any given national political candidate, I take frequent pleasure in saying nothing nice about politicians. I would have been Alice Roosevelt Longworth's best friend.

That's why I'm especially thrilled to have stumbled across a few Fun Sites today during my lunch hour. And here are my gifts to you:

BUSH DEBATE BINGO

(Via AmericaBlog)

KERRY-HATERS FOR KERRY
(Thank God someone understands!)
(Via Wonkette)

BETAVOTE.COM
How would the world's population vote in the American presidential campaign? You'll never know, of course, and you certainly won't learn anything from this easily manipulated web site. Still, it's fun, if only because I learned that there's apparently a place called Bouvet Island!
(Hmmm... okay, according to my in-depth research (thanks, Google!)
I have discovered that Bouvet Island is uninhabited. And yet BetaVote shows that 37 penguins people have registered their presidential preference. I'm about to vote and make that 38. Care to join me, fellow Honorary Bouvet Islanders? Come on, let's have some fun!)
(Oh yeah... this site also comes to you via AmericaBlog.)

eBAY-ABLE ME
And to think that I used to be joking when I'd tell people, "Don't let me find you selling this on eBay."

Item number: 2491289802

By the way... no bidders? What up with that?

AND IN OTHER DRINKING-RELATED NEWS:
When I was a kid, I walked to school up hill both ways in blizzards without shoes blah blah blah blah blah...

Schoolkids today have the life, I tell ya.

A PRAYER
Dear Lord,

Please don't let the patrons at the bars I frequent get any ideas from this news article.* As a happily-partnered homosexual, I go to places for conversation and conviviality, not aesthetics. If even one patron thinks this is a good idea, I may go blind.

Amen.

Sincerely and Reverently,**
Famous Author Rob Byrnes

* - And I'm not referring to bar brawls and homicide, although those are bad, too.
** - 'Reverently.' Heh. Think I fooled him?

EVERYTHING IS BETTER WHEN IT'S ORANGE
(Except toothpaste.)

My friend Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven has redesigned had his blog redesigned. Go check it out.

While in general I agree with the cliche that 'change is good' (in general, I agree with all cliches, as well as most stereotypes, because it saves me a lot of time I'd otherwise waste thinking for myself), I have to object to HTTO's new design. Not that there's anything wrong with it; on the contrary, that retro 50's cocktail lounge look works well for him. But I had grown to love his old putrid pumpkin orange template. It just said 'Hot Toddy'!

I am now trying to convince Mr. Oven to bring back the old design. No offense meant to Pony, of course, who created the new design, but let's face it: putrid pumpkin orange rocks. If you agree with me, e-mail Hot Toaster's Toddy Oven.

Together, we can make a difference.*

* - cliche

OH. MY. GOD!
I mean, if you can trust your spam, what can you trust?

Study: Half of Internet Viagra is fake

EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN
This morning, my office e-mail hosting company dropped me a note that read in part:

In an effort to improve the quality your email server, we have decided to set a limitation to the amount of hard disk space each email account is entitled to. This limit will be 50 megabytes per user... If you are using Microsoft Outlook, please check to make sure that you are not using the 'Leave a copy of my messages on the server' option, as that will cause your webmail account to eventually reach it s quota unless you regularly empty it.

Since I do use Outlook, and since I do save copies of incoming e-mail on the server, I decided to comply with the request. I turned off the 'leave messages on server' option.

No one told me I should have first deleted all the old e-mail from the server.

As I write this, 1249 old messages, which had been stored on the server, have been downloaded to my in-box. And it's only gotten through April 24.

Sigh. I guess I know how I'll be spending my afternoon. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete...

AND YOU THINK FLORIDA HAS IT ROUGH
Via Fark comes this dramatic image of storm damage in Sweden.

Thank God I live in New York. Nothing bad ever happens here.

EXPECTANT MOTHER OF THE YEAR
You know how mothers suddenly develop super-strength and lift cars off their toddlers and all that?

Mellisa [sic] Williamson is not that mother.

Mellisa [sic], if you're reading this, I have a very stern warning to offer you: my mother smoked when she was pregnant with me. Do you really want to have a child like me? No, I didn't think so.

(From Neal Boortz.com, via Trey Givens)

DEAF HOT TOPSY
(Not to be cofused with a certain fellow's Toaster Oven)

An anagram for "Famous Author Rob Byrnes" is Your Rehabs for a Numb Sot.

I don't get it, either.

CHRISTMAS IN SEPTEMBER
As you know -- because I told you, and you hang on my every word -- my cell phone went to cell phone heaven this morning, where, knowing Verizon, roaming charges certainly apply.

So now I have a new cell phone. Better yet, it has a camera. That means I can now take unflattering pictures of myself whenever whimsy strikes.

Enjoy!

"HEY, YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN!"
Celebrities are more fun than red states and pigeon poop, so I think I'll stay on that topic. Especially since I was struck by the following thought this morning while sipping coffee and trying to beat back my hang-over watching the news:

When did Elton John turn into the cranky old man down the street who keeps your baseball when it rolls into his yard and calls the cops when your music is too loud?

I mean, really! I don't partricularly care if he bitches at reporters, but the physical transformation is astounding. Just look:

He's turning into Gale Gordon with earrings.

Scary. Elton better watch it, or I predict that in about three weeks we'll hear him calling talk radio programs or throwing things at ball-players from the bleachers.

Or maybe he'll riot. That would be sort of funny to see.

NO NO NO NO NO...
I'm sorry. This is tragic. But I can't stop myself. The headline is just too tempting, and I am weak.

"Body of missing Sara Lee executive found frozen"

I have to go pack for my trip to Hell now.

(Via Fark)

NIXON AGONISTES
As more-than-hinted-at yesterday by Gawker -- and then reported by TRL for the three of you who don't read Gawker -- Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon is apparently getting herself some hot girl-on-girl love action. Hey -- I'm fine with that. Some of my closest friends are lesbian The Lesbians.

Cynthia, if you're reading this (and I think we all know that you probably are), I just want to let you know that you and your girlfriend are always welcome to join me and the regular Friday Happy Hour crew at Posh. I think you'll find a comfortable mix of people, and we already have one celebrity who stops by on occasion. (In addition to me, of course. I am, after all, a Famous Author. It says so on the Internet, so it must be true.)

More Reading:
Told Ya So: Cynthia Nixon Chows Box (Gawker)
Cynthia Nixon Prefers To Have Sex With Women (Defamer)
'Miranda' switches sides (NY Daily News)
SAME SEX & THE CITY (NY Post)
'Sex and the City' Star Switches Roles (AP)

FASCINATING, ALTHOUGH IT NEEDS MORE BLUE
I can't remember where I came across this link recently -- maybe Kottke? -- but I can't stop checking in on it.

Current Electoral Vote Predictor 2004

A map. Politics. Up-to-date polling information and constantly shifting visuals. What's not to love?

FRIDAY IS APPARENTLY THE NEW MONDAY
Item #1: At approximately 7:15 this morning, I was standing at the corner of York Avenue and East 81st Street, waiting for the light to change. I felt good and looked good: freshly-pressed khakis, a yellow Ralph Lauren shirt... very Friday casual. And then a pigeon took aim...

Item #2: Now dressed in freshly-pressed khakis and a white-and-burgundy-striped shirt from Banana Republic -- and safely on the bus -- I dialed my office to check the voice mail. My cell phone battery, which had been charging all night, held its charge for 30 seconds, then abruptly died.

Item #3: I arrived at the office at 7:55 and immediately got on my computer, only to come face-to-face more than 40 e-mails, most of which, for once, were not spam or e-mails from Hot Toddy begging me to be his friend. It appears people expect me to work today.

I'm going back to bed now.

WHAT DOES GAWKER KNOW, AND WHEN DID THEY KNOW IT?
I just stumbled across this item on Gawker, and I'm confused. Am I supposed to assume that they know something? Or are they just teasing?

And what about poor Steve Brady? Does he know?

Nah. He's obviously still clueless.

I'm so confused...

UPDATE: Gawker is getting less vague. Could this be true?

SURVEY SAYS...
This is an interesting survey, comparing your personality traits with your perceptions of the personalities of Bush and Kerry.

In case you wondered:

Here are your scores on each of these five psychological variables. The scores can range from 1 to 5.

Extraversion: 2.75
Agreeableness 4.125
Conscientious: 3.125
Emotional Stability: 3.75
Openness: 3.625

In this research we are interested also in how you view the personalities of politicians. Here are the overall scores you provided for each candidate.

Trait
Extraversion: Bush-3.875; Kerry-3.5
Agreeableness: Bush-3.75; Kerry-3.5
Conscientious: Bush-2.25; Kerry-3.5
Emotional Stability: Bush-4; Kerry-3.75
Openness: Bush-1.75; Kerry-3.625

Our primary interest, however, is understanding whether people are more likely to endorse candidates who they see as being similar to themselves. (Or, conversely, whether people see as themselves as they see the candidates whom they endorse.) To answer this question, we have computed the overall similarity between the ratings you provided for yourself and the ratings you provided for both Bush and Kerry.

Candidate Dissimilarity score
Bush 0.9
Kerry 0.35

Higher numbers indicate greater dissimilarity. According to these computations, you viewed your own personality as being more similar to that of John Kerry. Interestingly, you also endorse Kerry over Bush.

I gave Kerry's personality the same score as I give my own for 'openness,' which loosely translates into creativity. How did that happen?

(Via Sullivan)

MEMO TO: FAIRLY WELL-KNOWN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN KERRY
From: Famous Author Rob Byrnes

Sorry, buddy. You tried, but sometimes just trying is not enough. The tide has turned, and this election is now over.

(Via Wonkette)

IS THIS HOW ALAN KEYES GOT STARTED?

"I feel I have been singled out to step up for such a time as this, not by man, but by God..."

Pastor will run against Morelle

SPECIAL K
Okay, I read this in the Washington Post this weekend, but thought it was a typo. Then I read it again in a magazine last night.

Another typo? Nope. I went to the CBS web site for the new show CSI: New York and read it again:

"Det. Mack "Mac" Taylor (Sinise) is a dedicated and driven crime scene investigator who believes that everything is connected..."

Would someone please explain how the fuck 'Mac' is a nickname for 'Mack'? Honestly. Unless 'Mac' is pronounced with a soft 'c', it makes less than no sense at all.

Today's pedantic moment was brought to you by the letter K.

PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN THE WRONG IMPRESSION
The Set-Up: Due to circumstances, and also because I missed my man, I went to pay a visit on Bradykins this past weekend. He had to work a book fair in Baltimore on Saturday afternoon, so I trained it to BWI, where he picked me up in the late afternoon. En route to his home in Arlington, he told me he had already had lunch, so I pointed him toward a drive-thru and grabbed something for myself. (Lovin' me my Burger King. Shut up! )

And because I had lunch at 4:30 PM, when 9:00 PM rolled around I still wasn't very hungry. Neither was he. So we decided that we should just grab a bunch of junk food at the 7-11 across the street.

Dinner the 7-11 Way: Here is what we bought for dinner:

Twinkies.
Wasabi peas.
Rollos.
Reese's Pieces.
Utz Red Hot Potato Chips.
Mr. Goodbar.
Pringles.
Lemonade.

Oh... and a Slurpee.

"What's So Funny About That?"
Me: "Brady, look at what we're buying. They're gonna think we're stoned."

Him: (starts giggling)

Me: (starts giggling)

Him: (giggles more; points at brownie for sale at counter)

Me (giggling): We're really not helping our case, you know...

Later That Night...
Me: I need cigarettes, but I'm afraid to go back there.

Him: It'd be funny if you went back and bought the exact same things.

Me: (starts giggling again)

Coda
I never did finish my Wasabi peas. Somewhere in India, some starving children are very disappointed in me.

ROCK'EM SOCK'EM HILLARY
Meanwhile, over at Bill Clinton's Daily Diary, Bobbi Lamoon has taken over blogging duties while Bill mends.

Poor Bobbi... I bet she never thought she'd end up in fisticuffs with Hillary...

She looked at me with these wild eyes and hit me on the head with the spoon. It hurt and that ain't cool. I tried to push her away, but I forgot I still had a glass of orange juice in my hand. It spilled all over her. Mrs. Clinton threw the spoon on the ground and lunged for my hair. She tried to hurt me and I defended myself as well as I could and she is much heavier than I am. I could hear Mr. Clinton say "stop it", but Mrs. Clinton went crazy. I saw from the corner of my eye he was trying to get out of bed, but he was too weak.

And, yes, as I wrote here a few months ago, there are still apparently more than a few born every minute.

SERIAL DAD

Before you feel too bad for this little girl, who's spent two tearful days featured by Drudge as an alleged victim of Big Mean Democrats, read this.

You know, I'm toying with the idea of incorporating the 2008 presidential election into my next novel. It would be sort of funny to give Phil Parlock a cameo, right?

ADVANCE PLANNERS
Even though it's still six weeks away, it seems that people are starting to plan their Halloween costumes. At least, that's what my referrals indicate:

halloween costume line of cocaine

"great gazoo" halloween costume
(Great. Cumming again!)

tan cop Halloween costume

Admittedly, I'm not very good at planning things in advance. But maybe this year I should think ahead about my Halloween costume. Hey -- I could dress as a blogger!

I could go as Boi From Troy, and either wear these or his now not-so-secret blogging outfit. That might work.

Or I could trick-or-treat as Hot Toddy: the Blog Wonder.

Or I could just take it all off and be Toby.

So many options.

You, of course, are free to dress as Famous Author Rob Byrnes for Halloween. I won't be using the disguise. If you can think of an appropriate costume, leave a comment.

OH GOOD LORD...

"Indeed, during an exclusive interview with WWD, Cumming made more than a few ill-advised sexual puns on his last name."

Oh good lord...
(Via Gawker)

SO HOW DID I BECOME CHIEF OF THE LANGUAGE POLICE?
Honestly, folks, I am not as pedantic as I seem lately. I make a lot of typographical and grammatical errors, and I tend to look past those made by others. But when professionals are just sloppy, it annoys the hell out of me, and I can't keep my mouth shut.

In the past 24 hours, I've stumbled across three things that made me crazy:

First was 365gay.com's misuse of the word 'turf;'

Next came the mangled, repetitive, and completely unedited jumble of paragraphs at Advocate.com;

And now the Associated Press (via the Sacramento Bee) has... oh, it's just too unprofessional to contemplate...

Ozkan, testifying Tuesday in the hate crime trial of Fernando Zavala, said he repeatedly explained to his drunken passenger that he was from the Mediterranean island of Cypress.

Cypress? As in... cypress tree?

Or maybe... Cyprus, as in 'Mediterranean island.' Yeah, I think that might just be what they meant.

**shaking head**

Am I over-reacting? Or are editors and writers now being hired straight out of middle school? (Oh -- with my apologies to middle school students.)

"IS RUSTY A TOP OR BOTTOM, FATHER?"

"Rusty Is a Homosexual", via AmericaBlog

I NEVER WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN
Dick Cheney's camel-toe, via Low Culture:

I need to go somewhere very dark and quiet now...

YET ANOTHER WHINY POST ABOUT BAD EDITYET ANOTHER WHINY POST ABOUT BAD EDITING ABOUT BAD EDITING WHINY EDITING
I'm going to assume that The Advocate will catch their error at some point after I mock it, so let me cut-and-paste this write-up of some Wisconsin election results as it appears on its web site at this exact moment, which is 8:45 AM on the East Coast:

A prominent black state senator beat an openly gay state senator in Wisconson's Democratic primary election on Tuesday for a chance in November to replace a retiring veteran U.S. congressman. Gwen Moore defeated fellow state senator Tim Carpenter, who is gay, and attorney Matt Flynn in the fourth congressional district's Democratic primary in Milwaukee. "I am exhausted, butA prominent black state senator beat an openly gay state senator in Wisconsin's Democratic primary election on Tuesday for a chance in November to replace a retiring veteran U.S. congressman. Gwen Moore defeated fellow state senator Tim Carpenter, who is gay, and attorney Matt Flynn in the fourth congressional district's Democratic primary in Milwaukee. "I am exhausted, but I am exhilarated and excited," Moore said. "I can feel the aspirations of people behind me and the great expectations, and I am rising to meet those challenges."

With all 346 precincts reporting, Moore had 48,757 votes, or 64%, according to unofficial returns. Flynn had 19,177 votes, or 25%, and Carpenter had 7,801 votes, or 12%. Moore will square off against a Republican challenger on November 2 to succeed Rep. Jerry Kleczka, a Democrat retiring after 20 years in Congress. Carpenter, who had the backing of the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, said he was vastly outspent, making it difficult for him to compete. I am exhilarated and excited," Moore said. "I can feel the aspirations of people behind me and the great expectations, and I am rising to meet those challenges."

With all 346 precincts reporting, Moore had 48,757 votes, or 64%, according to unofficial returns. Flynn had 19,177 votes, or 25%, and Carpenter had 7,801 votes, or 12%. Moore will square off against a Republican challenger on November 2 to succeed Rep. Jerry Kleczka, a Democrat retiring after 20 years in Congress. Carpenter, who had the backing of the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, said he was vastly outspent, making it difficult for him to compete.

Got that? that?Got

(By the way, does that mean that Tim Carpenter got turfed?)

WELCOME TO THE ROB LOG, HOME OF FAMOUS TURF ROB BYRNES
I can imagine the conversation now:

Headline Writer: "Hey, I can't think of a word that will fit in the headline."

Editor: "How many letters?

Headline Writer: "Four. Hmmm. How about 'sidewalk.'"

Editor: "'Sidewalk'... I like it. But wait! Too many letters!"

Headline Writer (thinks, then): "Oh yeah. Ummmm... 'road'?

Editor: Nah.

Headline Writer: 'Boil'?

Editor: Nah.

Headline Writer: 'Turf'?

Editor (snapping fingers): Brilliant! You're going to go far in this business, kid!

"Judge Refuses To Turf Gay Governor"

Related: the many definitions of the word 'turf,' none of which are relevant to that headline.

SPOTTED LAST NIGHT AT THE BAR
Fred Dalton Thompson and Bob Barker.

Not really, but remember: if you go to my bars, you might get a nickname.

WAIT -- I DIDN'T REALLY READ THAT, DID I?
Yes I did.

Andrew Sullivan is reading Toby's VividBlurry.

*shaking head*

SOMEBODY OUT THERE DOESN'T LIKE ME
Or, more to the point, somebody doesn't like Trust Fund Boys. Whatever. They have that right. Well, they have that right until I'm Attorney General.

The story is this: on the book's Amazon page, the childishness is getting a bit out of control. First, as you'll recall, I (along with a number of other writers, but this blog is all about 'I') was being barraged by 'customer buying advice' directing prospective readers to far less popular (and possibly unreadable) books. Thanks to my slavish followers faithful readers, we addressed that problem with good humor, spiced with a dash of petty vindictiveness.

But a new problem has emerged. Now someone is targeting my reader reviews. Amazon gives readers an option allowing them to register whether or not a reader review was helpful. Routinely, if anyone even bothers voting, the feedback is positive; the exceptions tend to be negative reviews, where you can probably assume the author and his mother are trying to discredit the reviewer.

Let's take an example: my first novel, The Night We Met. Of the 14 four- or five-star reviews. 49 of 57 voters found the reviews helpful. And even the lone idiot sloppy reader who posted a two-star review batted 3-for-4. Grand total: 52 'helpfuls' out of 61 total votes, or 85%

But with Trust Fund Boys? Three reviews (all five-stars, of course) have netted 8 'helpfuls' out of 18 total votes, or 44%. So what's up with that? And let's not even mention that poor Matt's review is getting particularly beaten upon.

There's really not a lot I can do about this silliness but vent. And in all honesty, I can't believe that whoever is getting his rocks off doing this is having the slightest impact on sales, so it's not worth more than this. But I wanted to get this out of my system. I mean, I don't see it happening to any other authors, so I've got to think that it's a personal matter.

And if you, the Obsessed Anti-Fan, are out there reading this right now, why don't you take the time to drop me a line and explain what your problem is? Then we can try to work it out. (Not really. I'll crush you like a bug, and you know it. You think you're the only childish, petty person? Hah!)

SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME
I like orange. I like citrus. I like clean teeth. So this seemed like a fantastic idea.

Kids, follow my advice and stick with mint. Trust.

MEANWHILE, IN HAIRLESSBURG HARRISBURG...
Okay, that was a real groaner. Sorry.

Now just read the article.

IMPORTANT EMERGENCY CONTACT INFORMATION
Well... maybe not that important. Still, if you want to e-mail me, for the time being don't use the Rob(at)RobByrnes(dot)com address. It be temporarily dead, while I move the site to a new host.

Instead, use the e-mail link on the sidebar. Thank you very much.

THE FOLKS OF SCOTTSVILLE, KY ERWIN, TN GO ON AN EXCURSION
Hmm... I've gotten lost before, but not quite like this.

"Shopping Trip Goes Wrong"

(Via Fark)

THE WEEKEND IN REVIEW
First, the good news: an excerpt of Trust Fund Boys ran in yesterday's New York Times. Read it here (registration required.)

As for the rest of the weekend, it can be summed up as follows: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Sorry. Worst weekend ever. No details to follow.

VICTORY BABY SEEKS SENATE SEAT!
How did I miss this? Ah, well, the important thing is that I found it. And now I pass it on to you:

INDEPENDENT MAY BE SPOILER

(Via Briantology)

DEAR DONALD: FIRE THE GUY IN THE RED PANTS FIRST, PLEASE

The new season of The Apprentice begins tonight. Yay!

Without having seen a single episode, I already know that I want Red Pants Guy to meet an early demise. Tell me, is The Donald only allowed to fire wannabe apprentices, or can he have George and Carolyn dangle them from the top of Trump Tower until they wet their pants before they *cough* lose their grips *cough*, sending Red Pants Guy to a grisly death, his body splattered all over the Fifth Avenue sidewalk.

Just asking.

But seriously, does anyone know the answer to that question?

Actually, in looking over their information, Red Pants Guy isn't the only candidate I think I'll be cheering against. For instance, we have:

• Andy, who says that Tony Robbins informercials rank among his favorite television shows;
• Bradford, who says Rudy Giuliani's Leadership is one of his favorite books.
• Chris, who says of The Donald, "his story is self explanatory: real estate mogul, beautiful women, athletic, down to earth, etc. And that confident swagger! He's the definition of a 'man's man.'"
• Elizabeth: "When Harry Met Sally is by far the best romantic comedy ever written." Mmmmmokay, dullard.
• Ivana, whose sins include: favorite TV show, "Quiznos Sub Commercials"; favorite movie, "Dude, Where's My Car"; and name, Ivana.
• Jennifer C., whose interests include "Competitive horseback riding, such as Hunter Pace Racing and Fox Hunting. I also love Polo..." What the hell is Hunter Pace Racing? (I could Google it, but I don't care enough.)
• Jennifer M.: lawyer.
• John: describes 'business' as one of his interests, therefore, you just know he's a fun time.
• Kelly, who answered the question "If you had a super power, what would it be and why?" with this load of bullshit: "I would choose the power to heal... Not only could I help those close to me, but I could also help the thousands of brave Americans putting their lives on the line to protect our freedom." Give it a break, Kelly.
• Kevin, who demonstrates excessive humility: "I'm the smartest and most talented and most qualified. "
• Maria. Her hobbies include "going to spas."
• Pamela: interests include "sleeping late;" favorite movies include "Tommy Boy"; and when it comes to books, well... "I don't really have the attention span to get through many books. I prefer magazines... The last really interesting book I read was entitled "Cocaine: An Unauthorized Biography." Oh wait. Maybe we like her.
• Red Pants Guy Raj gives us another reason to watch him drop: "I generally try not to watch television. It rots the brain. However, when I appear on the tube it is irresistible to me. In this particular exception, that of my presence on television, I would heartily encourage others to watch and to do so without concern regarding the diminution of their mental faculties."
• Rob, who likes "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" but hastens to add "thanks to my wife." We get it, Big Guy. You're butch and very very heterosexual. Now move along.
• Sandy, whose favorite books include The Bridges of Madison County. 'Nuff said.
• Stacie J., who owns a Subway store, thinks "The Devil's Advocate" is "one of the best movies of all time," and lists 'laughing' as an interest.
• Stacy R.: lawyer.
• Wes: "There's an aura around Trump. He's an icon."

Maybe we should all just steer clear of the sidewalk in front of Trump Tower for a few months. Just to be on the safe side.

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE, AND THEN SOME
Heh. Guerilla anti-Bush politicking hits Meetup.com:

Closeted Homosexual Republican Congressmen for Bush 2004
Alcoholics for Bush in 2004 Meetup Group
Alcoholics and Cokeheads for Bush
Join Bay Area Falangists for Bush!
Lesbians Like Bush
Drug Cartels for Bush in 2004 Meetup Group
Ova for Bush in 2004

I would have included anti-Kerry sites, but, well, I couldn't find any. Maybe BFT will rise to the challenge.

(Via Jesus' General)

REPUBLICAN SENATE CANDIDATES IN THE NEWS
Yes, folks, it's Alan Keyes of Maryland Illinois. Again.

How Would Jesus Vote? Of course...

Tell me again how -- with candidates like Keyes and Florida's Mel Martinez -- the Republicans control the Senate? There can't be that many insane voters, can there?

STILL A FEW BUGS IN THE SYSTEM
My college alumni office writes:

Dear Timothy,

Welcome to the latest edition of the Alumni newsletter. We are proud that we have been able to reach over 50% of our Alumni subscribers and hope to continue that success in the future. Let us know what you think, your feedback is welcome.

Yup. BMOC. That's me.

In related news, guess which college isn't getting a check from me.

AND ON A DIFFERENT -- YET ALL TOO FAMILIAR -- NOTE...

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

(Via Daniel)

BREAKING NEWS: BUSH ATTACKS FLORIDA'S REPUBLICAN SENATE CANDIDATE
Less than a week after congratulating Mel Martinez on his win in Florida's Republican primary for the United States Senate, President Bush has lashed out at Martinez, claiming that because of his party's candidate, and I quote, "Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

And we all know that if your OB-GYN can't practice his love with women, the country's moral fiber will be destroyed.

This is almost without precedent, dear readers. A Republican president attacking a Republican senate candidate is Big News. Why, even Alan Keyes didn't come under fire from Bush, and Keyes said naughty things about the Vice President's daughter!

Martinez was already in trouble for calling his primary opponent, Bill McCollum, the "new darling of the homosexual extremists," despite the fact that two of Martinez's key advisors are openly gay. Now that Bush is openly accusing Martinez of preventing OB-GYNs from loving women, can his candidacy be saved?

[From the archives: Call 1-800-MARTINEZ]
(Via Wonkette and BoiFromTroy)

KIRK FORDICE, DEFENDER OF MORALITY, DEAD AT 70
Kirk Fordice, former governor of Mississippi and, of course, a staunch defender of conservative values and traditional virtue, has died.

"For too long in this freedom-loving land, cultural subversives have engaged in trench warfare on traditional American values," said Governor Kirk Fordice at the signing ceremony for the law, declaring the bill as a "significant step to protect the foundation of a healthy society".
-- GayLawNet

Governor Campbell leapt to the microphone to explain that of
course the nation's values come from our
"Judeo-Christian heritage. I just wanted to add the
Judeo part." Fordice glared at his Dixie colleague and
retorted sharply, "If I wanted to do that, I would have
done it."
--TheocracyWatch

His private life made headlines several times. In 1993, he revealed that he was having "irreconcilable differences" with his wife of 40 years, Pat. The first lady, through a terse press release, said she had no intention of getting a divorce.

Three years later, Fordice was seriously injured while driving back from his native Memphis, Tenn., where restaurant employees had seen him eating lunch and drinking wine with a woman believed to be Ann G. Creson, his high school sweetheart from Memphis.

In 1999, he was caught on television returning home from a vacation to France with Creson and cursed a television reporter. Days later, he announced that he and his wife were divorcing. He married Creson shortly after leaving office in January 2000, barred by term limits from seeking a third term. They later divorced.
--Associated Press

And another hypocrite moralist now gets a chance to see whether or not his God agreed with him.

WEEKEND IN REVIEW: SWEET -- AND BLOGGERLESS -- DREAMS
I'm happy to report that I finally made it through a weekend without having my dreams infiltrated by a blogger. I know that Toddy was hoping to join Flip and Chrisafer in Famous Author DreamWorld, but it didn't happen. Sorry.

Okay, no bloggers. On the other hand, according to last night's dream, I'm apparently close friends with James Garner. That's probably the result of my subconscious lecturing me by recalling this movie, but refusing to give me nightmares by injecting James Woods into the dream.

Meanwhile, I spent quite a bit of the weekend's waking time thinking about the future... dreams of a different sort. I am certainly not dissatisfied with my life, but there are things that can be done to enhance it. I have known that some changes have to be made, and I have known what has to be done to facilitate those changes.

Now I think I have The Plan.

And the first thing I have to do to put it in place is borrow a few million dollars from my new friend James Garner...

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVES

President Bush on Friday wished Bill Clinton "best wishes for a swift and speedy recovery."

"He's is in our thoughts and prayers," Bush said at a campaign rally.

Bush's audience of thousands in West Allis, Wis., booed. Bush did nothing to stop them.

Audience boos as Bush offers best wishes for Clinton's recovery

"Who knows? It could be the result of a successful Republican convention, said Rep. Vito Fossella, R-N.Y., of Clinton's chest pains.

Clinton to Have Heart Bypass Surgery

DRUNK-DIALING MYSELF?
Apparently, at 8:42 PM last night I left the following message on my office voice-mail:

"Uh... reminder to myself to... take care of... that business."

No. Clue. Whatsoever.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MICHAEL
Would you like to get rid of all that grey hair, and maybe even prevent cancer in the process?

Bottoms up!

UPDATE: Sorry, kids who couldn't make the link work! There was an extra "http://" in it. My bad. It's all fixed now.

GREAT HEADLINES IN HISTORY

Barbara Bush Enjoys Disciplinarian Role

Did that give you a bad visual image? Yeah, me too.

WORTH NOTING
As of this moment, TRL is the fourth-ranking MSN search result for famous homosexuals.

In keeping with the Official Blogosphere Theme of the Day, the twelfth-ranking site is this.

OH. MY. GOD. NOT EVEN AT MY DRUNKEST...
This is why some people should not be allowed near keyboards.

(But this -- "PPPS: Came home and got word that Mr. Hamm says that he would prefer Peter Pan for president" -- made me laugh. Of course. Mostly because I associate it with this.)

NOW, OF COURSE, I'LL HAVE TO DO SOME RESEARCH
Via my friend Greg comes the Tale of Copper John.

Fear not, dear readers: Google and I are on the trail of photographic evidence. That had to be one well-endowed statue!

CALL THE ASPCA -- I THINK I'VE GOT A LIVE ONE!
Sheepish admission first: I read The Corner, the group-blog by National Review writers. But only for the pictures!

That having been said, I just came across the disturbing story of an encounter between NR editor Rich Lowry and one of those Gatlin Brothers, of whom I suppose you can contact Michael for more information.

The title of the entry - “STUD DUCK, MAJOR RECTUM” - is strange enough, as is Lowry's apparent new title as 'baby stud duckling.' Baby stud duckling? Those crazy conservatives! But the sentence that jumped out at me was this:

Trying to warm a begal in the microwave, he asked someone to help him with “the radar machine.”

No, I'm not referring to 'the radar machine.' That's sort of cute (and also sort of Michael, come to think of it.) I was referring to the obvious typo 'begal.'

Begal. We have two options here.

1. It is a misspelling of 'bagel,' and the Gatlin Brother was heating up a snack.

2. It is a misspelling of 'beagle,' and the Gatlin Brother and the Baby Stud Duckling were planning to dine on the flesh of a puppy!!

I'm pretty sure I know which option is correct, but I'll let TRL readers jump to draw their own conclusions.

UPDATE: Once again the conservatives have spoiled my fun. Kill-joys. They powers-that-be at The Corner (and don't think I don't know who to blame!) have corrected the spelling of 'bagel' on their blog. I suppose it was naive to think that a bunch of click-throughs from TRL wouldn't be noticed. Ah well.

The truth is that Lowry and Gatlin do not eat puppies.

They eat bunnies. Raw.

CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD, PART 613:
BUSH GIRLS GONE WILD

"Besides, since we've graduated from college, we're looking around for something to do for the next few years... Kind of like dad."

"Who is this man they call Dick Cheney?"

"I know it's hard to believe, but our parents' favorite term of endearment for each other is actually Bushy... And we had a hamster, too. Let's just say ours didn't make it."

"But, contrary to what you might read in the papers, our parents are actually kind of cool. They do know the difference between mono and Bono."

Yeah, so I groaned a lot watching Ashley and Mary Kate Jenna and Barbara deliver their made-for-WB-sitcom material. But then came the big payoff, the laugh line that brought down the house:

"Someone who... was there waiting when we came home at curfew."

Bush Twins. Home for curfew. Get it? HAR-DE-HAR-larious!

I'm still laughing this morning.

IN OTHER NEWS REGARDING THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN BUSH-CHENEY TEAM, DRUDGE REPORTS:

"Alan Keyes, the Republican candidate for a vacant U.S. Senate seat in Illinois, said Tuesday that Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Mary is a 'selfish hedonist' because she is a lesbian...

"Asked whether that meant Mary Cheney 'is a selfish hedonist,' Keyes said: 'That goes by definition. Of course she is.'"

Inclusion, party of one. Your table is waiting.